The
Big Bang Theory: The Sheldon Cooper Guide to Romance
Love truly is fleeting for the male characters on The
Big Bang Theory, especially during the CBS sitcom’s first
two seasons. Fellow scientist Leslie Winkle had two flings with Leonard
Hofstadter, as well as a brief “friends-with-benefits” relationship
with Howard Wolowitz; Raj Koothrappali, meanwhile, had a one-night stand
with a woman he met after a night of drinking. So much for a healthy
sex life.
In season
two, however, Leonard did enter an actual relationship with a female
doctor, Stephanie Barnett. Although it only lasted a few episodes before
she “disappeared” from the series, forgotten and never to
be seen that season again, it did offer Sheldon Copper the opportunity
to play “cupid” on behalf of his roommate. Or more accurately,
on behalf of himself.
“You’re
aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which
includes a sexual component,” Sheldon rhetorically asks next door
neighbor Penny in “The White Asparagus Triangulation.” “What
he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me. See,
of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s
the only one I’ve ever found tolerable.”
Because
Sheldon has little faith in Leonard’s ability when it comes to
woman—or most anything else, to be honest—he takes it upon
himself to ensure that the relationship is a success. Of course Sheldon
has no idea how dating or relationships actually work, so most of his
tactics are what he has garnered through research, as well as what little
information he can gather from the rest of the group.
His first
course of action is making sure that Penny, the unrequited love of Leonard’s
heart, does not interfere with the relationship’s progression.
“Should you have any interaction with her,” Sheldon suggests
to Penny in regards to Stephanie, “it would be most helpful if
she not see you as a sexual rival.” When Penny tells him that
won’t be a problem, Sheldon is unconvinced.
“You
say that now, but consider the following scenario,” he continues.
“You’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re
alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone
and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate. Or a
hook-up, as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth. Now
should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your
libido.”
With the
potential rival now removed from the picture, Sheldon’s next step
is to “assist” Leonard on his dates with Stephanie. He joins
them for dinner in the apartment so as to ensure stimulating conversation,
for example, and later tracks them down at a movie theater. “If
you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will,”
Sheldon explains to Leonard as to why he keeps interfering, “then
we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always
needed. You’re Kirk, I’m Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali
is the guy who always gets killed. And now we’ve got McCoy.”
Sheldon
becomes distressed when he discovers that Stephanie’s Facebook
page lists her as “single” instead of “in a relationship.”
The scientist in him takes over at this point, concluding that matters
of the heart can be resolved via some derivative of the scientific equation.
Since finding the cause of experimental failures often assists in constructing
successful experiments, Sheldon approaches Penny to find out what went
wrong between her and Leonard during their one-and-only date.
“Leonard
is failing in yet another relationship,” Sheldon explains to Penny.
“If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically
I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional
cap in his buttocks. So what is the down and the low, and don’t
worry this is all entirely confidential, so you feel free to include
any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.” Obviously Penny doesn’t
answer the question.
Research
plays another key part of any scientific experiment, so Sheldon next
turns to Howard and Raj for guidance on how to keep Leonard and Stephanie
together. “I don’t think you can,” Howard tells him.
“Look at Leonard’s record. Twenty-seven days with Joyce
Kim. Two booty-calls with Leslie Winkle. And a three-hour dinner with
Penny. Based on the geometric progression his relationship with Stephanie
should have ended after twenty minutes.”
This doesn’t
help Sheldon—he can do the math himself, after all—so he
pushes them for practical solutions. “Well, if you want to guarantee
his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other
men on the planet,” Raj offers.
“I’ll
tell you what you shouldn’t do,” adds Howard. “Don’t
spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women
undress when they smell it. That doesn’t work at all. No matter
how much you put on.”
“So
that’s all you’ve got, apocalyptic genocide and go easy
on the cologne?” Sheldon incredulously replies.
Becoming
more and more desperate, Sheldon again shows up at Penny’s door.
“Where are you in your menstrual cycle?” he asks before
explaining the reason for his query. “I’ve been doing some
research online and apparently female primates—you know, apes,
chimpanzees, you—they find their mate more desirable when he’s
being courted by another female. Now this effect is intensified when
the rival female is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation.
Which brings me back to my question: where are you in your menstrual
cycle?” At that point Penny slams the door in his face.
Continuing
with his anthropological studies, Sheldon attempts to show Leonard in
a masculine light by having his roommate open a jar of asparagus in
front of Stephanie after being unable to do so himself. “When
I fail to open this jar and you succeed, it will establish you as the
Alpha Male,” he tells Leonard. “When a female witnesses
an exhibition of physical domination, she produces the hormone oxytocin.
If the two of you then engage in intercourse, this will create the biochemical
reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as ‘falling
in love.’”
Leonard
proves incapable of opening the jar, however, and cuts his hand when
he breaks it against the side of a table. “It’s a shame
it won’t scar,” Sheldon tells him at the hospital. “The
war wound is a time honored badge of masculinity.”
Believing
that Leonard’s chances of remaining with Stephanie are rapidly
declining—especially since he cried at the hospital when she administered
a needle in his arm—Sheldon attempts one final act to keep them
together: he changes Leonard’s Facebook status to read that he
is in a relationship.
“Are
you insane?” Leonard angrily screams at Sheldon. “Now she’s
going to think I’m desperate. You’ve destroyed this relationship
and you know what the worse part is? You don’t even understand
what you did wrong because you can’t conceive of something that
you are not an expert in!” At that moment, however, Raj notices
that Stephanie has changed her Facebook status as well. Instead of “single,”
it now states that she is “in a relationship with Leonard Hofstadter.”
“If
I am permitted to speak,” Sheldon rhetorically asks before triumphantly
declaring, “Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win.”
Anthony
Letizia (February 22, 2010)
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