The Guild: Guild Talk

The Guild is one of the most successful and entertaining webseries of the medium. Following a group of online gamers who have difficulty coping with the real world, the show is populated with offbeat-yet-relatable characters and screwball comedy situations on par with any television sitcom. Part of the appeal, however, is the writing—throughout the series, creator Felicia Day demonstrates a gift for witty dialogue that not only makes use of The Guild’s Internet-based premise but offers keen observations about life, relationships and the difficulties of navigating reality as well.

“I just don’t cope well,” main character Cyd Sherman, aka Codex, comments early on. “With anything. I mean, there’s always a lot of drama in the game, but at the end of the night you can always just logoff. You can’t logoff from your own life.”

Other observations made by Codex include:

“I’ve never really felt like I had any control over my life. I think that’s why I like video games. It is so much easier to measure life in experience points.”

“The expansion to our game is coming out. New continent, new powers. Most importantly, new character hair styles. I’m hoping it will help heal some of the wounds in the Guild. Make us focus on what matters. It’s about the game, not each other. Dumb humans.”

“It’s easy to bond over hating something together. The Internet is total proof of that.”

“I’m not an aggressive person but I admit it, I like killing things. But only in game. I’ve been over it with my therapist, and I won’t pretend it’s not a form of supplication. Thing is, I would never do anything like that in real life. I’m a strict theoretical vegetarian.”

“I think being in a guild satisfies one of my secret wishes—to be in a gang. I mean, I know they do bad things, things associated with gang-like activity but it’s kind of cool to have that exclusive connection with other people. We can invent secret hand shakes, wear matching outfits, meet for brunch at the hideout. (Pause) That sounds more like a book club.”

“I’m not used to getting hit on very much. A few years ago, when I cut my hair really short, this girl asked me out to dinner and it wasn’t until she got her hand way up my leg that I started suspecting that something was up. For the record, it did not turn me on, it just tickled. I should have shaved.”

“I’m poor. My credit cards are maxed. I survive on Ramen, that’s why my skin’s so dry.”

“I am a good girl. The worse thing I’ve ever done is sniff a permanent marker. But it was only fifteen seconds tops and the whole time I was screaming inside, ‘Stop! Cancer! Stop!’”

“This is a good life lesson. Never try anything new or you will fail.”

“Social media can’t be that hard. Every bozo on the Internet claims to be an expert.”

While Codex is obviously lacking in self-confidence, many of the other Guild characters demonstrate an overabundance of personal assurance. Clara, for instance, uses her real name when online and feels neither embarrassment nor guilt over the way she lives her life, even if it does include a predominant amount of time online at the expense of both her husband and her children.

“I tried an alias on another game but my kids picked it up and started calling me Momma-natrix. My husband got pissed.”

“A real mom doesn’t smother her kids. Heck, they can live alone at fifteen. I did my research.”

“I was always so into Chuck Norris. I wanted his mustache all over my body.”

“I remember my first booze fest. It was wild. I did a lot of stuff I had to live down later. I almost got kicked out of the fifth grade.”

“This is the best party since my senior prom, when I accidentally set my date on fire and had to pee on him to put it out. We got married!”

“Parents influence their kids? What is that, a new study?”

The there’s Vork, the balding, middle-age leader of the Knights of Good. Although demonstrating an even deeper inability to handle real-life existence than Codex, he has built his own belief system that allows him to feel comfortable with himself even if others are not.

“People don’t like me,” he states in season three of The Guild. “I elicit repugnance and resentment in humans of all walks of life. I believe one person compared talking with me to, quote, ‘Shaving my private with a dull, rusted cheese grater.’ End quote. I now know why I am in fact a great leader.”

Other comments on his unique lifestyle include:

“The price difference here between a cheeseburger and hamburger is one dollar. Now, if you divide twelve in two-ninety-five, the cost of a pack of Kraft Deli Deluxe mild cheddar cheese slices, each slice costs twenty-four-point-five cents. If you bring your own cheese that’s a savings of seventy-five-point-five cents per burger. I want to grow my money, not spend it on cheese-gouging.”

“I don’t have electricity,” he explains as to why there are bags of ice in his refrigerator. “I find it more cost-effective to purchase ice through government issued food stamps. Once I became a non-paid professional guild master, I had to cut the fat from life.”

“This shed technically belongs to the house behind us. But every year I’ve moved my fence back three inches and now it’s completely on my property. Fortunately the gentleman has Alzheimer’s. And an excellent open wi-fi connection.”

“The Knights of Good is my intellectual property. I’ve trademarked the logo and hope to turn it into a legitimate business someday. Possibly a delicious breakfast cereal.”

“I can transcribe episodes of Dynasty from my VHS collection and we can reenact scenes in a common area for tips. The storylines are sordid and compelling. People can watch between tournament bouts.”

“Expiration dates are mere suggestions, like late fees and traffic lights.”

The second season of The Guild allowed for an exploration of men, women and relationships and offers numerous comments regarding the differences between the sexes. Some of the best quotes on the subject include:

“Guys will forgive anything if there’s cleavage involved. That’s not very flattering.” (Codex)

“Grandma was right. Guys think a woman is just a life support system for their vagina.” (Codex)

“Men are meant to be used for their skill sets. Need to pass a biology test? Date a biologist. Or your biology T.A. They don’t even need names, as far as I’m concerned. Fred, Joe and Ryan might as well be called Moving Van, Pharmacist and Oil Change. You just have to pick the right tool for the right job. And believe me, they’re all tools.” (Tinkerballa)

“Women, in general, only yield short-term returns. They are not a suitable vehicle for long-term investments.” (Vork)

“Women. Can’t live with them, they will not go out with me.” (Vork)

“I tried wiping my pit sweat on her pillow for like a week, so clearly the pheromone route is a no-go.” (Zaboo)

“Sometimes guys need to be together and do deep stuff like bonding and crap. If we have to have this Game IV ripped from our veins then we just have to use that time to man up.” (Zaboo)

The Guild may ostensibly be about a group of online gamers, but its keen observations regarding life and relationships makes the webseries accessible to anyone. Who hasn’t, after all, wished that they could create a better version of themselves and escape the realities of their lives for at least a little while? In the show’s second season, for instance, Codex briefly imagines that her online persona is talking to her:

“I’m who you are in game, who you want to be. Confident, in charge, naturally wavy hair. You’re playing me like I’m Cyd—twitchy self-conscious with the occasional unsightly pimple. Just relax and be me for a minute. Reality is kicking your ass right now.”

It’s sound advice that any of us could use.

Anthony Letizia (June 7, 2010, updated January 10, 2011)